Thoughts on Moira Dela Torre's "Paubaya"

Moira Dela Torre's Paubaya is easy on the ears. You might find yourself straining to listen closely to the lyrics. They're so relatable that it might rouse heartbreak, leaden you with emotional baggage, and stir up images of failed relationships. So, it isn't any wonder why the internet has been awash with these stories. 

You're lucky if you haven't experienced heartbreak of that magnitude. And if you had experienced it, it's better to confront the pain that it is to bottle it down. No bottlecap can keep those emotions from taking hold. 

These are some truths to live by - meant to put that grief into perspective.

1. Know Your Worth

You are whole. You don't need anyone to feel fulfilled or be loved. If you enter a relationship, it should be because you want this person. It isn't a matter of desire but it's a matter of choice. You are choosing this person who has the same capacity for love and commitment as you. You are choosing them over everyone else.

Because you are whole, you can sensibly gauge who among your dating prospects are whole and ready too.

Never choose to be the rebound. Don't be the cast encasing the limb, waiting for the bones to heal. Don't be the quick fix.

You are more than that.

You are whole. Now, repeat.

2. Help Without Any Hidden Motives

Support them and reaffirm their worth. But it should never be at your expense. Neither should it be with the hidden motive that they choose you back. It isn't a business transaction. They aren't required to pay you in kind.

Remember, it's only help if it's unrequited.

Help without the expectation that they'll remember you, or thank you, at the very least. Help with the belief that it is your duty to be kind. It is your duty to be a decent human being.

3. Respect Their Grief Process

In more ways than one, we never really outgrow childhood. We have chalk lines drawn around us to hopscotch over and claim territory. In adulthood, these chalk lines are called boundaries. Knowing your worth requires that you set them up. If you allow people to smudge the chalk lines, you're setting yourself up for loss. Chances are, it's going to be a loss-loss, or a loss-win(for them).

One good boundary to keep in mind is to allow people to process their grief about relationships. They are hurt but they are whole.

If you see your playmate hurt and bent over because she has skinned her knee, you would wipe away the tears and cleanse the wound. But you wouldn't be able to do the healing for her, let alone tried. In the same way, you are this hurt person's playmate. You can only look after them. And they, being whole individuals, will do the healing for themselves.

Never mistake this. Never feed them the idea that they need you, or the space within which you revolve.

4. Love Isn't Ownership

Genuine love is liberating.

It boasts of freedom, but not abuse. It doesn't claim ownership to fend admirers off. It puts on a ring with the other person consenting to a lifelong commitment to love, hold, and to cherish.

Here's a tough truth for everyone to digest - a relationship is one borne by two people choosing each other.

This is why sensible couples don't need trackers. Whole individuals don't require their partners to ask their permission before going out, hanging with friends, or living their lives. At the end of the day, these people know that they have each other to come home to.

If you're the only one doing the choosing, you're really not that different from this pompous explorer who claims he "discovered" the Philippines - Ferdinand Magellan. Mind you, she/he isn't uncharted territory where you venture into. She/He is whole. Her/His existence isn't dependent on you putting her/him on the map.

5. Honesty is the Best Policy

Turns out that this golden rule is inclusive. It also applies to romantic relationships. Think about it, how many fights have started because your partner was too passive or passive-aggressive to tell you what he/she wanted?

It's a red flag.

Because you are both whole, then you would respectfully communicate your needs/wants/goals. Your thoughts and feelings aren't dependent on whether or not your partner chooses to acknowledge them. They exist. As a whole person, you convey them because these are your truths. They demand to be heard.

If your partner refuses to listen to your truths, then that's their shortcoming. Conversely, we should be open to expressing our truths and expectations.

Listening and conveying these truths is a matter of respect.

So when it comes down to it, genuine love is about two whole and ready people gravitating towards each other, but maintaining their respective orbits.